Domestic Violence

I was married for 9 years to a very, very violent man who drank and did drugs. I had 3 children with him and to make a long story short eventually escaped from him with my 3 kids and the clothes on our backs. We stayed in a women's shelter and gradually got on our feet and moved several states away. I have not seen him since and divorced him in absentia. I managed to put myself through nursing school 2 years after we had left him so that I could provide for my children. It was not easy as my self esteem was in the toilet thanks to the abuse I took from the husband. But I did it, and made a nice home and good living and raised my children by myself. I had a girl-boy-girl. I knew the girls would never find themselves with an abusive man as they had seen what life was like with their dad and I raised them with the knowledge that nobody has any right to put their hands on you, and to my son I ingrained in him he was to never put his hands on a woman in anger. They were 5, 3 and 2 when I left. All are married now and very good parents and I have 5 grandkids. But my son drinks and so does his wife and they have had many knock-down drag-out fights. The thing is they really love each other, believe it or not. His wife comes from a family of alcoholics so its all she has ever known. She is a sweet girl and a good mother. My son is in the Army reserves and is due to be deployed Jan 2011. I have spoken to both of them together and separately and told them that their son is going to carry on the family history of violence and god forbid drinking. I have offered to go to AA meetings with them- there happens to be a very good one 2 doors down from where they live- even though I don't drink. So far they haven't taken me up on it. I know you can't drag someone to meetings and they have to want to change. But the offer still stands.
My husband and I have furnished many places for them- too many to count- as they get evicted and leave everything behind. They have gone years with no car. My daughter in law has no skills except for waitressing but she is a darn good one and makes decent tips when she works. My son is a carpenter and his work history is more sporadic although he has been working for awhile now and is finally taking some pride in the fact that he can bring home a paycheck and support the family. They recently moved a few blocks from where we live and I am glad to take them places when I can but I am on disability and money is tight for me too and I don't always have an abundance of gas to go places.
I am sort of at my wits end with them. My son is a very smart guy and I hate to see him waste his life being a drunk like his father. I wonder if its hereditary as he did not grow up with drinking in the house. He was too young to remember anything about his dad and the drinking, only 3 years old when we left. I would almost rather he smoke pot than drink because he gets so violent when he's drunk. I feel sorry for his wife even though she drinks too, because I know what its like to be a battered wife. I have told her that when my son deploys if she chooses to leave him and make a life for herself I would not blame her and would even help her if I can. I feel crappy doing this to my son but the cycle has to be broken. I care that my grandson who is 7 years old will end up a drunk like them. Hes a sweet kid, in fact he's the best behaved of all my grandkids, and I worry that he will eventually turn into a "bad kid". I have offered to have him come over whenever they want him to to hang out with me and my husband just to get him away from the home situation. He loves being here and hangs on me (clings to me) when he's here, its so sad.
Does anyone have any ideas what else I can do? I am open to any ideas except calling CPS and turning them in and having him go to foster care. They take good care of him, its just the violence and drinking that worries me. My oldest daughter did call CPS last year and turned them in for "neglect" due to the violence and now my son and his wife no longer speak to her or have anything to do with her, even though she was a second mother to their son since he was born and now that bond has been irrevocably broken. CPS took no action based on her call. Now family holidays are a nightmare now and I see no way things will ever be the same again.
I thank everyone in advance for any advice you can give me. I raised these kids by myself, my current husband and I married when they were teenagers, and having the family fractured like this is really killing me.

HippieChick :thanks:

Your letter breaks my heart. I can almost see your tears as you write the words.

What do I say.

I have a friend with an alcoholic son and how she has suffered. Her daughter and I would have done things differently than she has done them but..he is alive and he is finally doing some better.

I love that your grandson is able to spend time with you. You might be his salvation. So you walk a very tight line on keeping him close and not alienating them to where you wouldn't be allowed to see him.

My advice would be to speak with somebody professional. We could all tell you things we think you should do and things we would do. But this is really critical and only a professional person trained in these kind of matters will give you the correct information.

Do you have a minister or priest? Calling a shelter might direct you in the right way. Maybe an al anon meeting. They seem to be a wonderful group of support for those dealing with loved ones that drink.

I wish I could give you the words to make it all ok.

I can't but I can still send you hugs and prayers and hope you can find some answers.

Bless you.

Hippie Chick, You're post coincides in many ways with what I endured. I won't go into detail as it is very hard to talk about, but suffice to say you have done all you can to keep your kids on the straight and narrow.

As far as alcohol..yes -there is a hereditary gene.

My father was an alcoholic. I say "was" because he died of it at age 44. Can you imagine? I had just turned 14 3 days before. I have a son who is an alcoholic. His wives parents are also alcoholics but my DIL doesn't drink. Maybe occasionally but no, they don't have knock down drag outs. Do you feel your DIL is also an alcoholic or is just trying to keep up with your son? I did that w/my ex as I figured if he was drunk and I was drunk (took a lot less for me to get drunk) maybe we wouldn't fight. WRONG! I was extremely blunt when in my cups. He was very, very violent and ended up in prison for felony battery on me for 3 years. I don't know where he is now and we had no children together, thank God.

Bottom line, between my dad, my son, my husband and several serious relationships, I felt as though I should have "I Cater to Alcoholics" written on my forehead. Although I wasn't an alcoholic, I think I was trying to find my dad in other men because he died so young and I idolized him. Al Anon helped me a lot. It made me realize that I have to take care of me and let the chips fall where they may with the abusive alcoholic and other alcoholics.

Now, your grandchildren..that is a different story, It is not fair to them to see their parents fighting and drinking and having knock down dragouts. I am shocked the neighbors haven't called the police.

It w/be interesting when your son is deployed. Alcoholic or not, I don't wish that on anyone; however, your DIL w/have to come to terms with what she w/do with her life. Since they have your grandchildren, I think it would behoove you to get involved to a certain extent IF she goes to AA/Al-Anon or both, but if she continues to drink and starts seeing other men, I would seriously consider legal action to get the kids away from her. I know that is harsh, but they are kids and need to be treated with love, attention and direction.

Sorry if I have spoken too much. I could not stop myself.

I too was a victim of domestic abuse.
For a while I protected my attacker, guarded his secret. Explained away the busted lips and black eyes. He eliminated my need to make up excuses for my injuries when he started leaving marks where people couldn't see them. And still I kept the secret.
I was ashamed.
I’d been brought up as a tough little tomboy perfectly capable of self defense. If I got punched… I punched back. Even though I got hurt worse when I fought back, I could not stop defending myself.
I was no match for my attacker, who had been taught by his father how to abuse. (yep…generations of alcoholism) I knew if I continued to stay in that volatile environment he would have surely take my life, buried my body on some piece of farmland.
So I ran, with my life.

That was 30 some odd years ago.

The best advice I could offer someone in the same position now would be to say “Don’t just stay… RUN AWAY!”

:cheers:

I truly believe as I enter my twilight years that a large amount of women have some story of abuse or molestation.

Every woman buries it deep inside her soul.

I had a young professional woman tell me recently she was raped at college, the first week, by another student. She never told. She had to speak to him daily. She was so afraid.

I thought to myself "Wouldn't it be a wonderful thing if we could take an eraser and wipe the chalkboard clean of "those years" and memories".

We live with that horror years after it happened and we moved on. It is in our thoughts and we remember those times as if they were yesterday.

Bless us all.

Actually wrapitup neighbors have called the police several times. They have lost a few houses due to domestic violence. I don't intend to sit back and watch this child get thrown to the wolves.

Please. Call me Wrap.

I don't intend to sit back and watch this child get thrown to the wolves.

Nor would I. I have no clue what state you live in but do you know what Grandparent Rights you have? Every State is different.

Very good suggestion, Wrap. That is a great place to start.
Find out what your rights as Grandparent are in your state and plan from there.
We are here to help you.

Thank you all for your advice. I think I will do a little bit of all of it, see CPS, talk to a preacher, provide safe haven fro my grandson. My DIL drinks because shes an alcoholic, her parents both are and her grandparents too. Her mother is a very brittle diabetic and has almost died several times drinking herself to death. Once I was in the hospital visiting someone else and found out she was in ICU essentially dying so I went up to see her. She had no clue who I was and looked like she had died and forgot to lay down. I lost my sympathy for her that day. Her daughter thinks of me as her "real mom" and I treat her like I treat my own daughters. I feel alcohol is the root of all evil and hate to see people ruin their lives and the lives of others.

HippieChick

This is sort of off topic but since we are not only discussing DV and are also discussing alcohol, I found this article very eye opening:

Study: Alcohol more lethal than heroin, cocaine

By MARIA CHENG, AP Medical Writer Maria Cheng, Ap Medical Writer – 1 hr 3 mins ago

LONDON – Alcohol is more dangerous than illegal drugs like heroin and crack cocaine, according to a new study.

British experts evaluated substances including alcohol, cocaine, heroin, ecstasy and marijuana, ranking them based on how destructive they are to the individual who takes them and to society as a whole.

Researchers analyzed how addictive a drug is and how it harms the human body, in addition to other criteria like environmental damage caused by the drug, its role in breaking up families and its economic costs, such as health care, social services, and prison.

Heroin, crack cocaine and methamphetamine, or crystal meth, were the most lethal to individuals. When considering their wider social effects, alcohol, heroin and crack cocaine were the deadliest. But overall, alcohol outranked all other substances, followed by heroin and crack cocaine. Marijuana, ecstasy and LSD scored far lower.

The study was paid for by Britain's Centre for Crime and Justice Studies and was published online Monday in the medical journal, Lancet.

Experts said alcohol scored so high because it is so widely used and has devastating consequences not only for drinkers but for those around them.

"Just think about what happens (with alcohol) at every football game," said Wim van den Brink, a professor of psychiatry and addiction at the University of Amsterdam. He was not linked to the study and co-authored a commentary in the Lancet.

When drunk in excess, alcohol damages nearly all organ systems. It is also connected to higher death rates and is involved in a greater percentage of crime than most other drugs, including heroin.

But experts said it would be impractical and incorrect to outlaw alcohol.

"We cannot return to the days of prohibition," said Leslie King, an adviser to the European Monitoring Centre for Drugs and one of the study's authors. "Alcohol is too embedded in our culture and it won't go away."

King said countries should target problem drinkers, not the vast majority of people who indulge in a drink or two. He said governments should consider more education programs and raising the price of alcohol so it isn't as widely available.

Experts said the study should prompt countries to reconsider how they classify drugs. For example, last year in Britain, the government increased its penalties for the possession of marijuana. One of its senior advisers, David Nutt - the lead author on the Lancet study - was fired after he criticized the British decision.

"What governments decide is illegal is not always based on science," said van den Brink. He said considerations about revenue and taxation, like those garnered from the alcohol and tobacco industries, may influence decisions about which substances to regulate or outlaw.

"Drugs that are legal cause at least as much damage, if not more, than drugs that are illicit," he said.

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I believe it!!!

Wrapitup wrote:Hippie Chick, You're post coincides in many ways with what I endured. I won't go into detail as it is very hard to talk about, but suffice to say you have done all you can to keep your kids on the straight and narrow.

As far as alcohol..yes -there is a hereditary gene.

My father was an alcoholic. I say "was" because he died of it at age 44. Can you imagine? I had just turned 14 3 days before. I have a son who is an alcoholic. His wives parents are also alcoholics but my DIL doesn't drink. Maybe occasionally but no, they don't have knock down drag outs. Do you feel your DIL is also an alcoholic or is just trying to keep up with your son? I did that w/my ex as I figured if he was drunk and I was drunk (took a lot less for me to get drunk) maybe we wouldn't fight. WRONG! I was extremely blunt when in my cups. He was very, very violent and ended up in prison for felony battery on me for 3 years. I don't know where he is now and we had no children together, thank God.

Bottom line, between my dad, my son, my husband and several serious relationships, I felt as though I should have "I Cater to Alcoholics" written on my forehead. Although I wasn't an alcoholic, I think I was trying to find my dad in other men because he died so young and I idolized him. Al Anon helped me a lot. It made me realize that I have to take care of me and let the chips fall where they may with the abusive alcoholic and other alcoholics.

Now, your grandchildren..that is a different story, It is not fair to them to see their parents fighting and drinking and having knock down dragouts. I am shocked the neighbors haven't called the police.

It w/be interesting when your son is deployed. Alcoholic or not, I don't wish that on anyone; however, your DIL w/have to come to terms with what she w/do with her life. Since they have your grandchildren, I think it would behoove you to get involved to a certain extent IF she goes to AA/Al-Anon or both, but if she continues to drink and starts seeing other men, I would seriously consider legal action to get the kids away from her. I know that is harsh, but they are kids and need to be treated with love, attention and direction.

Sorry if I have spoken too much. I could not stop myself.

No, she drinks cos shes an alcoholic, she was drinking when she met him. That probably attracted him to her
As for the "other men", yes thats going to be a problem. When my son went to boot camp the following week she had several parties and all of my sons friends plus a few more came. Some were too wasted to drive home so a bunch of dudes spent the night at her apartment.
When myself and my 2 daughters got wind of that we had her come over to my oldest daughters apartment (which was right across the hall) and we gave her a kind and loving talk about her behavior, she should not be entertaining "the boys".
It didn't look good. (Plus I knew she's end up sleeping with one and that would be one less friend for my son.) Now I will have to watch her when he deploys in 2011.

When my brother worked graveyard shifts, his new wife started seeing his friends every night. Seeing in the dark with her hands, that is. They were divorced after a $40,000 wedding that my Dad paid for at the Ritz after 4 weeks when one of my bro's friends told him what was going on.
My boyfriend(?) had his wife cheat on him when he went in to the Persian Gulf. She even became pregnant. He took leave, she had an abortion. He went back to the Gulf, he hoped for the best. They had children, however it did not work out. he could never trust her.
You are right to be scared for your son. It is why I answered the question about trusting men on the other thread. I do not trust women.
In my opinion, most of these gals are young and lonely and don't understand the difference between commitment and satisfaction.

Neighbors DID call the police. DIL refused to press charges so the state stepped in and said they wanted this prosecuted. He is in a world of chit and might end up getting kicked out of the National Guard, he is infantry and w/ his domestic violence history they will not allow him to carry a gun. We will see what happens.

HippieChick

HippieChick wrote:Neighbors DID call the police. DIL refused to press charges so the state stepped in and said they wanted this prosecuted. He is in a world of chit and might end up getting kicked out of the National Guard, he is infantry and w/ his domestic violence history they will not allow him to carry a gun. We will see what happens.

HippieChick

Last weekend he called me and asked me if I had any money, his wife needed 2 pr of black pants and a white top and if she got those items she could start work Monday at Mexican Restaurant.
Since I am still sick and not going outside i gave him the debit card (had a $34 balance on it) and off he goes. My card has a feature where every time you use it, your cell phone tinkles and theres a message how much was spent and where.
His first stop was the cigarette store. His second stop was a liquor store. I called him and told him I needed my card back, asked DIL how she did shopping and she lies to me and says she got 2 prs of black pants and a blouse. I know thats a lie because after the liquor store transaction there wasn't another one, and there wasn't enough money left on my card.
I am pissed everytime he pulls one of these things on me.

HippieChick I am sorry you got taken advantage of again. It really sucks. I want to open this topic up to include Controlling Men. I would like to know from Women who have experienced this to see if it usually is a sign of what is to come. If a Man in the beginning of the relationship start to dictate how their Woman dresses, what she can eat (as she is putting on weight), dictating to remove herself from social networking site, who her friends can be etc Won't even let her go to the store alone as she might smile at some guy is that a sign of a possible domestic violence issue down the road?
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Re: Controlling Men, yes have had a few of them. Only one of them escalated into violence (my first husband)
The demands of the man you mention above are intolerable and I would start taking action to get away from him. He will beat down her self confidence for sure, at the very least, Isolation, dictation what she can wear, etc And if she has children w/ him they will learn that Mom is not to be respected- or even regarded- and after hearing her called whore and b-itch enough that will be what they believe their mother is.

MOO HippieChick

I thought so. If a "controlling man" starts to lose control violence is a likely scenario in order to gain control.

A controlling male is not a man, he is a wannabee man who only see his value/worth in putting down, degrading someone else, a super sized bully, a jerk.

Here is good article on Controlling Men. IMHO, they have Zero self esteem and must control another in order to feel good about themselves. NOT the girls problem!

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